Know yourself, and know that it's enough #2

So it turned out that this year hasn't stop forcing me to choose. I already made difficult decisions throughout this passed months and somehow another one come. Another shot, to meet new people, might be a new family, with new responsibility as well. Another chance to grow, that i have to choose to let go. For several reasons, i say another 'No' to something that i know deep down inside, always be a pleasant thing to do.

Nevertheless, i'm quiet proud of myself by doing the walk-the-talk thing. So i once have a dream. Never thought to actually pursue it since i thought it is way out of my league. Then time goes on, i learned that every accomplishment begin with a decision to try. So i gave it a try. I was being brave to tell people that i'm going to give it a try. Usually when i try to achieve something, i stay quiet so if i fail i won't feel embarrassed. 

Long story short, i sent my application and waited for the result. Until the day, i know i always got my family's and friends's support. What i've never realize is how much this mean to me, and them. I thought this is a perfect chance to expand my knowledge, my English, to apply every single subject that i already learned into a scientific paper, to prove some people's mind that we can really balance our life and shine in academic life, simply to be better, and to inspire more kids who look (and think like me, that they won't gonna make it). Turned out that i'm not make it through to the finalists. The committee has different selection rules with other faculty which many people disagree, yet i have to satisfy with the result. 

Despite that there's nothing we can do about it, i know the committee are just people that Allah's control. This is not only their decision. It's his. Another proof that He knows better than we do. He always lead us to what's better. The following question is, can i handle the situation well? Like any other unpleasant situation, my tears are easily run out. This time, I realized that the reason why i really want to cry is not (only) the fact that my dreams are just crushed, or the possibility of failing in other plans in this year, or even the terrifying thoughts that i made wrong choices before - and everything will be for nothing. 

I cried mostly because i've never realized this means a lot to my closest ones, too. A few friends who i rather to call a family decided to give their time, escape a class and a meeting to sit beside be during the announcement. Seriously i've never thought that this is something that they consider important too. Turned out i was wrong. Suddenly it doesn't feel like losing when you have a family who support you no matter what. Turned out that Allah's way to love you is so unique. Instead of giving you what you really want (and you think you need), He gives you what you really (and always need). Blessings, in this case, them.

This post will not tell you that 'failure will lead you to success' story. Until today, i really don't know where this failure will lead me. I'm not sure either that my dreams-or-let-say-plan of the year can be achieved or not. All i know is this one taught me to be even more grateful to what i got. To be prepared for surprises from Allah. To let everything work as His way. To be resilient.

As i went home, i cried my heart out. Reminiscing the dream that just banished will never been an easy thing for me. And then she came, hugged me & giving me the safest feeling anyone could ever feel. 

"Keyakinan kalau Allah yang paling tau mana yang terbaik buat kita itu terbentuknya nggak sehari-dua hari kak. Kamu harus bersyukur dikasih kesempatan buat belajar tentang itu lewat ini." - Mama, yang selalu buat saya kuat. Apapun, kapanpun, gimanapun keadaannya.

Sekali lagi di tahun ini, 

Doain saya ya

Clarissa Rizky