On being lost, for numerous time.

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon when I received a chat from my best friend asking if tomorrow I have to go to work (She is currently preparing her departure to York for another degree, I imagine how great Monday is for her). It’s not that I hate Monday, it’s just not that kind of Monday that psyched you away from your bed. You know, the one that you’ve been waiting to experience. So the least that I can do is enjoy my coffee with a travel magazine in nearest Starbucks, yes I do spend most of my paycheck on coffee & books, and yes, I like to spend it alone. 

I don’t know when it started but I fancy my alone time lately. I like to wander about life, about where it heads and how it makes me feel. I see it as an exercise because people started to say that this long hiatus in love department will freeze my heart. Maybe it already did, but well, yeah. I’ll stop to ramble on that stuff since I don’t really know what to say. Anyhow, I honestly enjoy that alone time. It allows me to remember what makes me here (to get here by cab and can afford this 40k cup of coffee just to wander). 

I was raised as an “accept life as it is” girl. I mean, I lost my home when I was 14, and face the reality that life isn’t that easy as getting a Barbie after being a good girl, or vacation on weekends when my Dad has short free days between his work. I didn’t have any vacation that needs a plane since then actually, and we’ve moved to 3 houses until today. Thankfully we managed to stay in 1 house since 7 years ago and finally its renovation is complete. Indeed, God is always on time. If you find yourself confused about what I meant by losing home and vacation, my family was broke to call it short. I spend most of my teenage life struggling to accept life the way it is and to be that girl your sister’s aspire to be & your parents proud of. 

I once thought I won’t make it, nor be able to share this with anyone. 

There once a guy who I fell in love with because he simply comforts me & pushed me to be a strong person as well. He accompanied me through that rough time and I rely a lot on him. And just like any other normal high school love birds, it fell apart when it does. It wasn’t traumatic actually, but I don’t feel like sharing too much about my complicatedly tough life to anyone again. One part because I want to forget that life has been consistently hard on me and the other part is because I’m not really sure there are people out there who will accept me the way I am. Pretty lost, eh? And by that, answer the question why I don’t have anyone whom I fell in love with these past years. As much as I missed it & rambled to my friends about wanting to be with someone, it’s just too terrifying.

So back then, I feel like I have to focus on chasing my dream and to be that person I always wanted to be. To be a psychologist, and that’s that. I worked my ass off to get into the best University in the country (and I surprisingly did). For a girl who (also surprisingly) a part of the most sophisticated clique in the school (who fancied by its beauty & coolness instead of their brain), it was a great achievement.

And then life changed.

Suddenly my life is no longer about going to fancy places & parties on weekend. The paperwork and assignment were just too heavy I have to sacrifice my used to be free time. And it goes on until I realised that I grew. I don’t want to spend my time to do those things any more, at least not all of the time. I was drowning into chasing the big A, the cum laude GPA & involved in many campus activities. I was pretty driven by the idea of making a difference, doing something for the community (which led me to Indonesia-Malaysia’s for teaching local kids) & following my passion to help others while making a living.

And it changed again. 

Reality bites and here I am, surviving (and somehow enjoying) the corporate life. Just like the earlier phase of my life, I learn how to adjust and accept things the way they do, even sometimes it makes me feel totally lost. Just like today. I think I’ll consistently feel that way, no matter how much I read nor write about the 20something life, no matter how much I convince myself that I’ll be okay & that other’s success is not my failure, I’ll feel lost anyway. I guess because, in many kinds of way, I’m indeed lost. 

Life will throw another surprises & it will change again. I know. What I don’t know is I should make more time to sit back & enjoy my coffee.

So enjoy yours,

Clarissa