On being a patient

The past two weeks surprised me in a way I’ve never thought before. Stomachache is a normal thing for me since I was a kid. So it was another Sunday when I threw up and drank my regular meds afterwards. The next thing I know, I went home from the office around 10 am and hospitalised for a week. I was diagnosed for a multiple cholelithiasis—which means I had a lot of 4 mms gallstones—that caused me a major pain in my stomach, nausea and also toxic hepatitis that I had months ago. So this is the actual cause of every pain that I felt past months. Experienced a surgery with a laparoscopy method, got home for two days, ran into an emergency room in midnight the next day and got hospitalised for another week with further action which was ERCP.

Being a patient for 2 straight weeks including a surgery & an endoscopy taught me to be literally patient—and let things be.

I learned to let go my last few projects and targets at the office because my body fails me. I might force it too hard lately while my mind already split between too many responsibilities as well as the every detail of my departure to the UK. So this might be my body telling me to stop for a bit—that I can’t do it all—there are several things I gained and there are other things to let go.

I also learned how small I am in that OR room before surgery, when my life is on somebody’s else hands. I know no matter small the procedure was, I was in fact terrified. I can’t show it obviously because my mom’s face was already pale and I know how anxious she was. So I pretended like it was a small deal for me, that being in that cold OR room never frightened me. I was thinking about London, about how this can affect my future plans and so on. I didn’t really have someone to talk about this so I swallowed it all alone and again, by then I grew even better. I learned that as long as belief in Allah & have faith in myself, those negative thoughts (and actual bad things) will not actually happen.

The post op turned out to be excruciating though. Two days at home and I ended up in the emergency room, with pain that I’ve never experienced before. Painkiller didn’t work at that time and it needs to be observed more so I got hospitalised for another week with an infection and daily pain—seriously it was excruciating three days of hourly pain—followed by an ERCP approach which includes another full anaesthesia. It wasn’t as a terrifying as laparoscopy but seeing your family faces that only shows worry and anxious didn’t really help. Th nausea after the procedure including the ambulance experience was not an experience you want to do twice in life.

My number one social support during this past weeks is definitely mom. She reminded me another verse that "Verily, with Hardship comes ease" (QS 94:5). I know I am so blessed to have her 24/7 during the process. I also have my best friends who came in daily to support me and for me, it means more than enough to bear the pain. The silver lining would probably that we discover the illness before I left for London. Also, I got two weeks straight of quality time with my family and closest people—even not in the ideal place—but still.

I also met several doctors who reminded me that I once have a dream to have a hospital as a workplace. Seeing them saving lives for a living is actually pretty cool. May Allah bless dr. Beni, dr. Bambang, dr. Rino & the cool dr. Dimas who was uberly supportive and fun and made me less afraid during ERCP. Another lesson is of course to have a decent job which provides you with an insurance to cover hundred of millions, yes you hear it correct, hundred of millions of rupiah that just went out the window.

All in all, I learned to be grateful for what it was. I also learned to be patient, to take things slow and to let things be. Thank You, Allah.

Cheers!