On settling back in: A 12-month reflection on living the dream

Writing this post took a reasonable time and emotion to deal with. It’s been two weeks since I left London, a lot to take in and also many questions had been asked, which I hardly have the answer. First and foremost, to the question whether a master degree worth the effort (in terms of career and future)? I’m going to give you an honest answer, no. Not necessarily, at least. Your career depends on you. As there are many people who excel and succeed in their career with no higher education, a master degree won’t guarantee you anything. I explained it thoroughly here about how the UK workforce cannot absorb all the high-quality graduates and lead them to underperforming jobs. So, no, if you don’t really want it, don’t. Let alone if you only want it for the glory, the travelling experiences, or even worse, the title. Just don’t.

From what I experienced, it takes a tremendous effort and struggle, tears and shed of sweats, heartbreak and lots of sacrifices to get through the year. It was indeed a year of intense growth. Yet as much as it was challenging and heart-breaking, the past year been a life-changing and probably the best year by far in my 26 years of existence. For every up and down, I would not have it any other way. Let me fill you in.

The Honeymoon Period

I have always been the girl who has that dream of making it big. Making it to UI while she didn’t even make it to the science class back in high school. Making it to London, while her parents were not even able to afford a further education in UI. So, I thought the day I left for London was the day I hugged everyone, excited as a girl who never been to Disneyland and smile upon the future I’ve been dreaming of. It turned out to be the day I cried my eyes out, the day I worried about my family, the day I was so afraid I can’t find friends like those who showered me with their love that day, the day I questioned my decision of leaving—knowing that I just met the possibly ‘the person’ I’ve been looking for—and everything was so right it’s hard to think that it has an end beside a happy one. So I spent the first 7 hours of my flight looking at their pictures and cried. Putri, the person whom I just met and will be my flatmates during the year was confused as she doesn’t know what to say to a stupid broken-hearted girl who just left a city she lived in for years. (We ended up joking around and laugh when we remember that day, as time goes by).

The first few weeks in London were like no other. It was sweet as anything can be, the time that you would choose right away if you had the chance to turn back time. London is where the old and new come across. I was actually living the dream to have London Eye as a daily sight as I walk to campus, to have British Museum, Natural History and Science Museum as my weekend list, Southbank as the go-to place when I have too many things in mind or Tower Bridge as a coffee-view. I tried to explore every corner of London and with only a very short period of time, I fall in love even more with the city. Of course, I miss home, so bad. Even so, those faces I recall as home were really supportive and excited for me, and at that time, you cannot think that things will go south. Everything fell into place.

The (making the most of) Student Life Period

Life as a student always been fascinating to me. Since the day I watched Perception in a weekly basis and wrote this, it’s been a dream to sit in a class with a wide range of background, international settings and world-class education. For me, actually be a part of King’s itself sometimes still feels surreal. I used to browse King’s website between my working days and it finally came true. The lecturers were great, in a way they pushed us to read from 1911-ish until the paper that hasn't been published and will be up until early 2017 to have that sort of wide perspective on HR approaches. I still hardly remember the day I was lucky enough to be sponsored by IDX to attend HR Summit in Singapore or to be in Shangri-la when Prof. Dave Ulrich, the HR guru that everyone respects visited Jakarta. Now I can see Prof. David Guest , Prof. Ricardo Peccei, & supervised by Prof. Stephen Deery—huge names for HR in the UK.

That does not mean I’m didn’t struggle, because I did, terribly. Shifting my perspective from psychology to business is not as easy as 1 2 3. I did have mental breakdown in doing my mock exams, cried a lot and called my emergency number back home to have that sort of social support, ended up missing them a bit more but finally finished the piece of writing that put me in a hard time. I also have zero backgrounds in business theory, accounting and putting HR into business context—but there’s sort of the point—to enrich my perspective from only human to cost-benefit. To put things in balance between being the voice of employees and also part of management who implemented policies.  I am not only learning about the Ulrich model but actually forced to criticize it in terms of the applicability within a contemporary organization. That’s where my 3+year experiences in HR helped a lot. I can just go to masters right after I finished my bachelor degree but it might lead to something entirely different. Thus I am grateful for what Allah put me through—all the struggles, the wait, the tears or even the heartbroken—part of my scholarship hunting experience until to the stage that I am today because there’s no better time than this particular year.

Life beside school, as a student, was amazing.

King’s College London has a partnership with London HR Connection, a platform where the HR practitioner in London gather and discuss HR issues nowadays. We had free access to their events and able to meet and blend with those people I adore in the office with the amazing view of London eye and so on. My friends also developed an HRM Society where we as students have the opportunity to learn from the HR practitioner just after our classes. I met Deborah Rees, founder of one of most prominent UK based HR consultant that specialized in rewards. Learned a lot from her in terms of HR practices, how she built her career from being internal HR until reaching the point of Head of Rewards, then become one of the Willis Towers Watson consultants until starting up her consultancy in order to have more time with her kids. Always been a good feeling in seeing highly successful career women who also put family as her top priority. I also got the chance to attended Martin Newman’s session, a clinical psychologist who focused in organisation settings. He perfectly taught me about how the field that I fell in love with can give so much contribution in a corporate setting.

King’s also provided amazing well-being programs to ensure their student's mental health condition during the year. They didn’t only offer counselling, or opening a booth to chill out of the library during exam weeks, but also yoga at school as well as a well-rounded program focusing on mental health. I took an 8-weeks program “A path to Well-Being”, a King’s way of achieving the best psychological condition. It was helpful, warm & gave me a chance to meet new friends across the faculties.

Outside uni, I joined PPI London and met new friends across ages (and felt so old amongst others). Had one of the best team I could possibly ask in London, the external relations team managed to deliver an event called “Wake Up Indonesia”—a career event for students to strategies for their next move after uni. We delivered two career seminars, consisted of prominent speakers from fellow students, diplomat & also WHO. There was also 1-on-1 career consultation facilitated by Young Indonesian Professional Association (YIPA), CV & Cover-Letter workshop as well as professional headshot corner for your Linkedin profile. Despite the long meeting over LINE calls, drama and tiring work couple days before the exam, it felt good to do something impactful for those who came & become very good friends with the team.

PPI London also allows me to attend one of the sessions of the woman always looked up to, Ibu Sri Mulyani at Bloomberg office. Also another inspiring session with Pak Handry Satriago held by YIPA at Accenture office.

I performed Saman dance with other Indonesian students. Last time I seriously practice this dance was in Highschool, so I guess it’s safe to say that as much as I’m way too old to do this stuff, I also enjoyed it a lot. It felt different to perform it a thousand miles from home with kind friends from countries that I previously know only from a map as the audience. 

One of the blessings that I got was getting to know these lovely ukthis. Never considered myself an ukthi, but they welcome me with open arms. I always remember the day I was so scared to even try to recite The Quran and yet they encourage me to try and learn. Their knowledge of Islam, would it be the practice, Hadist and Quran itself were beyond my reach yet not once they belittled me. Thank you for being my support system, friends & family in London. I am beyond blessed. 

I also got the chance to visit the London Stock Exchange Group and attend the meeting alongside my director and also other delegates from IDX. A probably one of kind experience for a girl who works in HR. Forever thankful for the opportunity, IDX.

I am not into sports, but watching football and badminton has always been my thing with Ayah. I remember he texted me before All England, whether I can come and enjoy the show, of course, I got to do that as it was on my list. It was nice to be able to support your country in a far-far away island.

Adele, Coldplay & John Mayer were definitely one of the highlights of my days in London. It was truly an out of this world experience.  

The I finally see the world Period

Going to school in Europe also means cheap flights to the cities that have been only on your list, without knowing when will you actually make it there. I do, also travelled to see European museums that I previously know from books, amazing libraries that I often pressed like on Instagram, and sceneries that I only dreamed of before. Never crossed my mind that I got the chance to visit a UNESCO heritage visit in the midst of beautiful Austria, the small yet beautiful Hallstatt during my short reading week. I also managed to travel to The Netherlands and reunited with my cousins & aunt. Crossed out another Disneyland before I ran out of luck and decided to only go around the UK afterwards.

From every journey, I learned that I’m not the type of person who counts how many countries that she visited as a target. I know that I cannot afford to visit every city across the continent, nor that I have to. I put my heart in a few places in the UK, London, mostly. For every London experience, friends that I encounter with, coffee shops and museums that I visited, books that I can afford, I am forever grateful. Oh, I also crossed out every Harry Potter experiences and spent reasonable amount of money—which most people won’t do—to see a live dementor fly to you in Harry Potter & The Cursed Child Theatre, wander along with the orchestra during a Harry Potter & Philosopher Stone movie screening at Royal Albert Hall and of course, an unforgettable visit to the original Warner Bros studio and many other shooting locations in the UK.

The Rock-Bottom Period

I guess it is worth knowing that for every milestone achieved in life, there are always sacrifices that have to be made. I learned that you can never have it all at once.

As for myself, the wheel of life went down since I got robbed in Amsterdam and lost a significant amount of my savings, the freshly bought wallet and the UK residency permit which successfully ruined my euro-trip and cost me back to Jakarta to reapply everything from home (and seriously cost me a fortune). I regret most of my decisions—both personally and financially—broke (again, both personally and financially) when I arrived back in London. My relationship started to fall apart at the exact same time; the time I got to deal with all the hassles to re-apply visa, recalculate all my financial decisions & preparing for the dreadful exams. As much as I tried to work things out, I got to the point where I fully understand that if something’s meant to be for you, it will never pass you. Of course, it feels way more complicated than this, but I guess the final lesson that I get from this heartbreak is no matter where you go or how long you leave, people will stay if they are meant to be for you. This way, trusting people sounds less scary than it is for me. Because it is, you know, scary.

I also understand that no matter where you are in this fast moving world, even if it was in London, the only thing that can heal a broken heart is basically time—and prayer, friends you can call 24/7, (senior/cousin) psychologist to talk to, travelling to new places, concerts, exams and dissertation deadlines—but seriously, what makes me feel better is mostly time.

Not long from that period, I got to face other problems and pretty disappointed with family as well—not a thing that I am proud to feel about—but to say that I am a human is the fairest way to explain that I do have negative emotion as well. There were days when things felt extremely heavy, and you wonder whether you can juggle all the responsibility at one time. Then the Ramadan came with both blessings and all the struggle of 18 hours fasting with a chronic ulcer that I have since I was a kid. Daily stomach ache with dissertation going was seriously not a good match.

Thankfully I have people I can count on during that period. 

I seriously don’t know how can I survive my master life without my flat-mates who kindly packed my luggage and send it to my friend who will fly to Paris and meet me there to ensure I have everything I need for my exam after losing my UK residency permit, or my best friend who lend me money during the time in need, to buy ticket immediately and book all visa appointments right away after I lost all of my money. I also don’t know how can I carry on without them to talk with after the long walk back home after a break-up, or an emotionally draining exams that kept you up for few days with red-bull and seriously short time of sleep, or cook me decent food while I went back and forth to the bathroom due to my terrible digestive system, or the dissertation mental breakdown that got me into tears not only once or twice. Or the moment I miss my family way more than I can handle, these few people have become my family.

The Lesson Learned

(and hopefully, a fresh start to the future that I’ve always dreamed of)

The rock-bottom period taught me to be more resilient. From the day I got into a social science class and saw my dream to be a dentist went out the window, or the day I graduated first from the best school of Psychology in the country just to understand that I simply cannot afford a master degree in clinical psychology at that time and ended up forcing myself to enter corporate life, or those rejected experience from number or scholarship bodies, I know my journey was never smooth, but all those experiences got me to be where I am today. I learnt to be resilient through the hard way. I learnt to thrive after setbacks, to be smart(er) after I failed and to forgive after I made a mistake.

After all, I guess the most magical thing about going to the distance is, you will find yourself. At least, I think I did. I get to know myself better, and I understand what I really want in life. For instance, I am used to my ambitious self who pursue nothing but the best—the best school, the highest score, the most enriching activities, etc—I still am, in a way. Yet, since London, I know there’s a huge target that I finally acquired, to finally be able to pursue another degree, in this particular city of my dream. The rest is all adjustable.

Then I realize, this new Clarissa is no longer chasing the big A.

Academic life wise, I understand that getting a distinction—70—is sort of impossible for me. I accepted the fact that working my ass off will only result to 66—and it is actually beyond great for a clinical psych girl who stupidly took a business degree. I’ve moved past through my days full of tears when I have no idea what to write on my mock exam and managed to pass all the exams. Then came the long nights in the library to write up the dissertation and hearing my supervisor said “You’ve done a good job. Well, your English is quite problematic.” Yes, dissertation cost me a quite mental breakdown of not knowing the proper academic writing. I no longer care about the final grades, as long as I—passed—no I mean, as long as I have put my best effort, learned throughout the process and still have time to do other stuff that helps me grew (and make me happy), I am glad. Because real-world value you—with all the experience and maturity—not merely the grades on your transcript (said a girl who didn’t stand a chance to get a distinction after her MSc degree :p)

Personal life wise, I understand that I enjoy travel, like most of the people, do. Nonetheless, now I understand that for me, the travel company is what matters the most. I enjoy the short trips with closest people more than super fun euro trips with friends. My sister was the first that popped into mind when I stepped to Disneyland, as well as my mom when I went to Keukenhof with all that pretty flowers. I missed them more than I can ever explain to anyone and I get to understand that I am not the type of person who fancies living away from significant others.

I also always consider myself as an introvert before. Reading and writing with warm coffee is what keeps me sane in hard times. London helps me understand that I also really enjoy meeting new people and get to learn from their various perspectives. I am used to spending my days with a clique—few people I meet in daily, for over a couple of years since high school/uni—thus, it was weird to start off the year with only two close guy-friends who live far away in different cities in Scotland. It was even weirder when I didn’t manage to have one clique in London. I have two friends here, and three in other places. Over time, I managed to love it as it is, and it was the best thing of all London experience. I get to know a lot of new people from various backgrounds, I learned from them, inspired by their stories & most importantly, I had a lot of fun with them. All in all, I guess having to experience every up and down with new faces let you instantly understand who your true friends are. You will realize that you do not need much, but you do need those people who are in the same boat of being far away from home, adjusting the role as international students and facing the ticking clock that doesn’t stop for anyone. So I truly cherish every faces that I encountered & hopefully, I can keep.

On finding what I’m looking for in life, it’s true that you need to go further to have a clear perspective on your surroundings, simply from a different angle. Now I understand that I will always be the girl with too many dreams, the girl who dreams to make it big—to be a professional author one day, an HR director on another day, a loving mother of two, a responsible daughter always—and the list goes on. Yet as I grow older, the future gets even scarier. It’s not merely about where to go to uni, which place is the best to work for, but more of what kind of parents I want to be? I can assure you that all I am, all I’ll ever be, I owe it to my parents. I want to be that kind of parents, who make their children better than they are. That kind of parents their children proud of, and that’s should be a priority, over many important things in life J

Of course, it’s a long, long, way to go, but that thought never been such a great deal to think about before I came here and met these people. A lot, like seriously, a lot of inspiring people—who does more than just being a student, would it be creating a social project for children in rural area in Indonesia, spend time to teach traditional Indonesian dance to promote our culture, manage to be a mother-PhD student-many other research projects and teach Islam, people who came from an Indonesian village which I’ve never heard before but just finished her invention in technology while also finishing her degree in a top-5 uni in the world, or simply those who are not only very, very intelligent but also came from an extremely wealthy family yet manage to be really, really humble. I always believe that there must be something right about how their parents raised them.

The end of an era

I spent the last few weeks being a tourist. Family visit from my cousins, best friends from other cities around the UK were coming to London, short trips to Brighton & Seven sisters, and the last one was the unforgettable trip to Belfast, Northern Ireland. I also took a lot of walk around London, by myself. All the go-to place felt incredibly different as I know my Saturday will not be about Southbank anymore soon enough. I enjoy doing the final walk to every place that I listed before here, crossing out the list of places that I’ve never been to before, as London is crazy huge (and expensive), you won’t get the chance to experience everything in a year.

Then, here come the final days in London—the hardest part, I guess— that everyone has to face. London has become a home to us all. As much as I want to be in the real home—with all the faces that I dearly miss—I enjoy every bit that the city has to offer. I’ve never thought that every farewell that I bid with new friends hit me really hard. It shook me that in the next few weeks, we will live in different parts of the world, continuing life where the path took us. It’s weird to imagine that I will no longer live in the small room that I often cursed as the flat does not have an elevator so after long hours in the library, I got to take the stairs to the 4^th floor, cook and sleep. I never thought I am going to say this, but as much as the dissertation life drove me crazy, I miss it terribly.

The coming back home as the same person, yet completely a different one.

The first week in Jakarta was actually not that bad. I expected it to be much worse than it actually is. I always knew that the weather will be boiling hot, the traffic was even worse as there are tonnes of construction across the city, yet the people are indeed the definition of home. Seeing my parents, living under the same roof with my sister as she’s working her ass off to complete her undergrad and able to actually there to support her means the world for me. Ayas also once told me, the year she spent in the UK let her understand the few people she wants to keep—those who basically, worth the trouble to communicate with during the year regardless the distance and time differences, also those you want to immediately meet after you came back)—and those people who wants to do the same to you. That’s exactly what I felt. As much as the network grew bigger during the past year, my circle grew smaller, yet so much closer. Warmer.

The get-going Period

I forced myself to get back to work four days after my arrival because I simply need to get going. To move forward. To accept that I am home for good because of course, I miss London. Terribly. There’s no place that can give me an instant happiness the moment I step out of the house. No place with its people’s kindness can warmth any of your coldest days. No place that resembles a dream come true the way London has been to me. So to the question of whether I miss London or not, the definite answer is yes. I miss the windy and gloomy weather, the people that can be extremely busy, move faster than any man in a regular day in Jakarta, only mind their own business yet can be very kind and helpful once you seek out for help. I miss every corner that I regularly took, even the tube when the peak hour strikes, or the long walk to my flat up above the 4^th floor, the smell of a new book that I regularly visit at Foyles, strong coffee to begin my day, weekend at South bank with Bleecker Burger/Frenchie Duck Confit. Utmost everything, I miss my time there. Because when I come back next year, everything will be completely different. I will be different.

Just like life in general, the only constant thing is change.

I just experienced a tremendous change in life, as this is indeed a new chapter to open. As familiar as it is to me, Jakarta also becomes a different place. I came back to the same place, the same office, but new responsibilities to deal with and to learn from scratch. There are numerous things to figure out, yet this time I am going to take one thing at a time. I’ve been running all my life, chasing one goal to another, and I guess this is the time to catch a breath, get on and let life surprise me. Because no, I don’t have all the answers to the question, ‘what’s next’.

All I know is I got to pay my debt to the government who generously grant me all of these opportunities and allow me to see the world, set another dream to pursue, and of course, I’d love to settle down and start a family one day or another—tapi nanti, kalau udah ketemu yang bisa diajak menjalani kemacetan Antasari sambil saling berbagi jawaban dari pertanyaan ‘how was your day’ setelah hari yang melelahkan di kantor.

As much as it broke my heart to leave London,

the future is exciting and I can’t wait for life to surprise me in every corner that I will take.

Cheers!