About being out of the league

The term "out of my league" been so common in my days lately. I didn't realize until this very morning, at the Interview and Observation Method class. While a few friends of mine having their presentation, i was sitting still, mentally break down. No, I'm not exaggerating my own feeling. Then why? Well, the task were given to us like weeks a go, but i did the interview one day before the deadline. I mean, i already finished the theory and i thought is the only thing left is to analyze. It won't be any kind of hard. Short story, i didn't take it seriously. I even watched How i met your mother, browsing, and streaming another videos in youtube while i supposed to write my paper. I end up sleeping while the paper haven't exactly finished. 

It was so unlike myself, or maybe the very self I used to recognise. Well, procrastination is a term that everyone associates with college students. Yet I never consider my self as a chronic procrastinator—until this morning, while i saw my friend's presentation; how well they prepared for this task, how deep they analyze the interview and how rich they knowledge until being 'that' capable to applied it this task. I looked at my self and feel ashamed. I did this task with a minimum effort, and still hoping for the best score—and forgetting how a learning process is as important as the outcome. They did their best, pushes the self to the extra miles while my self was doing the very least. 

I know. I used to say to everyone, even to my self that we should never compare ourself to others. The only one you should compare to is your old self. I KNOW. I mean i really know, the thing that matter the most is to keep growing to a better version of your self. Then again—the next question comes up, how fast your wanna grow? How far you wanna be? I ended up in tears after questioning my self in my mind back in the class.

Back in the early year of college, i had a dream. A silly one, which i only share to my best friends Ayas & Uta—to be what they called as "MaPres". As much as i laughed about it, i know i want it. I can imagine how proud i am to proved my self that i can through the extra miles. This new semester has successfully killed the dream. I found that it's one of the thing that i should consider as 'the out of my league' thing. Then my heart stopped a second. I counted how many times i use 'the out of my league' term lately. For a scholarship to USA, to even think for being a leader in my current organization, and well yea—for the kind of guy that i easily fall for. So, are them out of my league?  or it's just me who is being out of any league? This question remains without answers until i write this down. 

Anyway, I have to thank Ita and Ayas for being so kind and supportive during the class. To feel not that alone about this situation means a lot to me. They taught me to forgive my self, which made me even more ashamed of my self—considering I wrote that article once here. I know, I'm human that particularly make mistakes every day. It just feels depressing—to slapped on the face while you suppose to know what to do.  

Today, I learned that If I stick with this kind of life, I'll get left behind. Growing better but in slow motion. I know, I still have half of the semester to make things right. To forgive, believe and force my self until reaching the extra miles. 

I wrote this once, 

"If you want to start fresh, to walk free, to smile easily and to laugh sincerely—to be healthy physically and psychologically—you need to be true with yourself, forgive and learn from your own mistake. So, will you?"

and I'm proudly saying that Yes, I will.