To the end of this road, is to redefining balance.

I've been writing my end of the year note on December 25th these past few years. This year is a bit different because i just finished everything up on the 28th & been busy with the family since that. Despite of being late, it's still quite important for me to rethink about what happened in a year and write it down here since it's always nice to re-read it later. You know, to simply went back just to see how far you go is just nice.

So here we go, I called 2012 the year of being responsible. Meaning like this year gave me many, many things to offer. A lot of experiences, challenges, new people to meet, mistakes to learn, and is even stronger and more vulnerable in the same time after everything I've been through. I opened this year with a few friends from the good times. It was random yet really fun. I realised we're getting too old for a sleepless night with heels and loud music so we had this bbq and DVD night instead.

January also means a short trip to Bandung with my family. Money was tight, so we've been practically not going anywhere these few years. I learned that less is more after having that holiday. I mean, that kind of trip to the nearest city will be meaningless for several people i know. And it's totally normal. What's not normal is our condition, financially. I'm not afraid (anymore) to say this out loud. My dad's work's been up and down so our life is kind of drifting apart these past years. He work so hard to make that holiday happened. With the old car & all the money that he earned, we went away for three days and have a lot of fun. I learned that the presence of Ayah, Mama & Vina, altogether is what i sense as eternal happiness. 

Something happened also at that short trip. My bestfriends asked me to join the Student Board as the Head of Public Relation—which i really want to experience back in freshmen year. It was a very hard decision to make and after a lot of tears, i decide to refuse. I love them to much till i don't wanna have a trial and error which can damage our relationship. I'm the type of person who plan everything, so at that time, i already know what i want in 2012. Student board was not one of them. So i tried my best to be brave and wise enough to say no. Then again, it's easier to make a decision then being responsible for the consequences. I sometimes miss the hectic days when i have meetings here and there due to non-academic activities. I stayed at RTC for another year, though the responsibilities are quite different than joining any committee in the faculty. So yes, there's moment when i miss being very busy at campus. 

The rest of my non-academic slash organizational life in the first half of the year goes to Young on Top & RTC. Despite of the harsh sixth semester schedule,  I still have "Love Donation", a social project by YOT Energy division, about blood donor, charity for thallassaemia kids & entertainment. Being the Person in Charge for two-days Talkshow makes me went back to old routines, yet quite different. After all, it was great when i see we helped the thallassaemia kids by collecting millions of money & lots of blood which they really need. They taught me again, that the real happiness is when it shared. I love my time at YOT so it's kind of sad to let go when YOTCA's time is over by the end of June. The evaluation day remind me that these people, both mentors & campus ambassadors not only inspired me in their own ways, they also change my point of you about life it self. They taught me that it's okay to have a strong determination to be (financially) success &; huge willingness to contribute to your surrounding at the same time. They manage to tell me that being young is not always about having fun, gossiping and everything—it's also mean you still have time to set up the best future you can have. "Other people are lucky to have wealthy parents, but that doesn't mean you're cursed & nothing you can do about it." That's probably one of the lesson that i'll never forget.

Another year at RTC UI FM meaning another year of fun. Another year of meaningless afternoon with a lot of laugh. Another year of the chance to meet many friends outside the faculty and learn from them. I don't say i love everything about the radio, there's always a part that i disagree, dislike, or maybe disappointed—yet after two years serving, working & making friends there, i know that this is the place that I'm going to miss soon after graduation come. I mean, you can only find that kind of friends there. And I'm never going to regret my decision to stay for another year. I have to say that i love being there. 

At the end of the sixth semester, i decide to make a thesis proposal in order to graduate, soon. And, the long story goes here. Long-story-short, i decided to went away to 'another' part of Indonesia. The part that i'm not going to see if i'm not joining this program. I have to say that it was a life changing experience. Being miles away from home with Borneo's very traditional way to live is very challenging. This is one of the reason why i called 2012 is the year of being responsible. I was the one who decided to go, yet i also the one who have many doubts about the decision. Once again, i don't know what i'm going to be without the greatest parents Allah can give me. They supported me financially, emotionally & most important, spiritually. It's cheesy but i feel like my strength came from their faith in me & also, their prayers. Going home never been that relieving, heartwarming and cause me happiness than after having an adventure for 40 days. From that journey, i made many friends, expanding my horizon, having priceless experience and yes, way before the famous 5 cm movie released, i fall in love again with my country. I found my self teaching kids who can sing Malaysian's anthem well yet never heard Tanah Airku. It was one of the best moment when i heard they sing  "Indonesia Raya" and "Tanah Airku" on my last day in the village. 

After returning to reality, my life was only about the baby S. My final piece that cost me almost all of the time. It was another journey with a huge responsibility to take. I really blessed to have a very nice-smart-caring thesis advisor which lead me to be the very first bachelor of psychology in my batch. December 14th really was the highlight of my 2012. After that day, i just realized that the only thing that scarier than a few hours before my thesis defense is life after that. People will start asking 'What's next?' and yes dear, they will judge you when you have different answer with theirs. You will experience the uncertainty about the future that you always dreamed for because it's simply not the time to dream anymore, it's time to make it happen. Like anybody else, i'm afraid to fail. I still am. I don't know what the future might bring, but i know i'm kind of improving. 

2012 taught me to be brave and responsible. To redefining balance. In freshmen year, what i meant by balance are having an A in my subjects, in charge in meeting for non-academic activities, and having a night out with highschool friends every weekend. I used to think that the best way to spend my life in college is to 'balance' everything. After three and a half years, i understand that my definition of balance has changed to knowing the best proportion about everything that you need to do, and to be happy by doing that. If the goal is to be happy, then balancing life is all about doing stuffs that i know will bring good deeds to others and also myself. 

2012 is also about growing up. To understand that life might not giving you everything that you want, or even need. Forgive me to not being a believer, but i always see that life isn't fair. It's kind of fair because it's not fair for everyone. As much as i know always can do something about it, it's still sucks sometimes. One of the reason why i should thank God for being a psychology student is it helped me to cope when i find people stabbed, talked, hurt or maybe just left and understand why. It helped me accept that some people will do good deed for you only when they need something, or if there's a fact that you're rich, and that 'some people' could be your relative or closest ones. Learning about people helped me a lot to forgive others even when they didn't feel sorry. It also help me to forgive myself for having mistakes, for not wise enough, for being mad & for every tears that shouldn't there. 

2012 is the year i fully understand that i was severely insecure about myself until it's so hard to believe that someone will stay after knowing what really is happening in my life. It's been unbelievably hard to trust others that they will stay, despite everything. That is why a few good people who sincerely love & accept me for what it's worth, those who value me for who i am instead of what i have are priceless. That is why it's extremely scary to leave early from this school, home & family called psychology faculty. Yes, 2012 is the year that i'm being stronger & more vulnerable at the same time. It's the time to fully understand myself. Insecurity is clearly one of the issue that i have to take care, but i know will get over it. This year also taught me about having faith in myself, doing the best that i can & let everything else on Allah will put me in the best place. 

It's been unbelievably hard to write these last two paragraphs. It's like putting alcohol on your scar— it has to be painful before the scar really clean and ready to be covered. So as the year meet it's end, I'm going to say a huge thank you to everyone who helped me learn, accomplish my targets, accompany me when the anxiety, sadness and happiness came along & of course, for letting me grow. This is the best part of writing a year-end writing, knowing that i made the right choice throughout the year and how far i grew from the last time i write this. 

My wish for 2013 for now are a nice short holiday to Bromo, find a job which related to my passion and got in to the Master Degree which only accept 19 out of 200 applicants each year, the Clinical Psychologist Profession Program. Finding my man would be great too, though after all these years, it would not be in my resolution. Haha. 2013 will be way harder than any year, since I'm finally in a real world— where i have to struggle to stand on my feet. I really don't know what the future bring, but as long as i have faith, i know I'll be fine.

So it's two days to the year end celebration! Although I don't have any plan yet, I'm wishing you the best night ever!

Stay blessed,

Clarissa Rizky