On having the good cry

Holding a degree from psychology will naturally allow you to analyse people (and yourself) from time to time. I mean I know when I chose “flight” response to stress stimuli in this past weeks. I choose to go out with friends, exploring London or simply have that overrated ‘me time’ with coffee that I do more than I actually need. I know when I am not doing the right coping strategy to my stress yet like another normal human being, I still let myself to do that.

Until you cannot handle it anymore.

I know I am freaking 26 years old and it’s not even an emerging adulthood phase anymore, I am in the real stage of adulthood when I am closer to 30 rather than 20. The decision to pursue another degree came entirely from myself, and I know it also came with responsibility. My dissertation writing been harder than I first thought, I mean I generally like writing, and I do find love in reading. Journals, textbook and academic writing, not so much. I am at the stage of realising that my English vocabularies are poor, as well as accepting the fact that 30 pages journal can only contribute to probably 1 sentence in your dissertation, let alone ensuring it is grammatically correct. I also remember how passionate I am in the field of clinical psychology—and how far I force myself to do this business degree—yet it still feels different. And it is incredibly harder.

In the midst of adversities of doing this dissertation, period days and missing home feeling, my phone broke. As much as I want to get a new one, I also remember my responsibility back home. Money is always tight, and I know I got to grow up and suck things up. I know it’s a very trivial complaint about life, but being hit several times in the past few months lead me to what is called a mental breakdown.

And I finally have the good cry. In the middle of dissertation writing, I sat down and literally cried my eyes out in the library’s basement. The cry that you’ve hold because you feel that you’re too old to pour your sadness to your friends or your mom because you know you should’ve been able to handle it on your own. The good cry that came from the realisation that I am on my own, and I need, I have, and I will sort things out at the end of the day, yet I just need to pour it out. I directly know that it’s the good cry that I’ve needed for a long time. I fooled myself into thinking that I (need to) feel so much better and I get to be grateful for everything etc. I forgot that it is part of being a normal human being to feel that negative emotion, to embrace the pain, accept the fact that it is happening and move through it.

Then I remember the advice that I told someone last month when he failed to take a test that is remarkably important for his future—yes he did not fail the test, he failed to take the test—if you wonder how horrible it was for him. Anyway, I told him that at some point of our life, we need another person. Social support is one of the most effective ways of coping, scientifically speaking, and I sometimes forget that. I need to talk with another person, would it be a friend, or family, but to keep everything on your own is not only unhealthy but also will lead you to depression.

Talk.

I had the good cry and reach out to a friend who already completed her master degree a year ago. Of course, I already know the solution to my problem; as I fully understand that my dissertation will not finish without reading probably a hundred of journals, an excessive amount of caffeine and tonnes of academic writing practices. I need to be committed to it and not give up every time I feel stuck. Talking to her let me ease the pain and get that feeling of not being alone. Because as much as empowered as it sounds, facing everything on your own is what terrifies most people (if you think you're ok on your own, that's good for you). That’s probably the reason why we are meant to have a life partner and sail the waves with someone else. But no that’s not my point today. My point is reaching out for help is never a sign of weakness. It's a bravery act that I myself have not mastered yet, to recognise that we're not good at each and every part of our life, that we sometimes fail to, and we indeed another person to sort things out and to move past through the issue that we thought we're not able to face.

Sincerely hoping that you're ok too, wherever you are in this crazy vast moving world :)