If everything, has been written down—So why worry?

From "Grow a day older" by Dee Lestari.

I keep replaying this song since i got home last night. Last night was the 3rd time i opened my door house over midnight, and supposed to got out before the sun rise. I've been busy with this and that, pursuing my so called happiness. I was drown with the idea of making new friends, meeting new world that i just entered these months. July's schedule made me rush from place to place, and somehow it make me very, very happy. Actually i don't know whether it is a good thing or not. Half part of my self know that i do love the activities, half of mine actually longing for a real holiday. I mean escaping from routines, or the simplest thing—turning my phone off the whole day. Still, i found my self busy with this and that. Even when i don't have plan to do anything, i pushes my self to find a (positive) thing to do, experience new things and meet a lot of people. I'll tell you my about the experience maybe in the next post.

What i'm trying to say is, i was very busy to pursuing that so called happiness

To be honest, i'm uber jealous with my friends who have the chance to go to Bali, Lombok, Karimun Jawa, or any else this holiday. Well, also those who have the chance to visit Makkah. I even cry while reading my friend's story about her family's umrah journey. Well, also any other places, you name it. My friends are wealth enough to go even to Europe. Me my self even forgot when did the last time i rode a plane. I grew with this kind of airport experience—only to say goodbyes and hello to those who depart or arrive.

As i grow older, i try to accept things that i can't change, yet. So i try to keep my self busy to remind my self that staying here in a very long holiday is actually fun. And it surprisingly is fun. I went to several events, places, and meet several (interesting) people.

As a keeper, i want to keep every moments memorized. So that one day, i can easily cherish it. I love to take pictures—to make my self always remember, that there are a lot of things to be thankful. Unfortunately, with this kind of technology, i doubt my own sincerity. I don't think the purpose of making albums in facebook which any friends can access still have the same purpose with what i said before. I think there's a few part of my self, my heart, deep down there who want to tell the world that i actually living a good life. With any shortages that i have, part of me want the world to know that i'm fine.

No, that is not a good thing. Yes, it is very human. But no, that's not a good example.

There is nothing good in any kind of showing off. I almost forget that, until last night—after supporting my bestfriend Winda who really make us proud by winning The First HiLo Green Ambassador—i lost my camera. The one and only camera which my dad given me as an birthday gift and also as an apology 'cause he didn't let me go to Bali after graduating highschool. Maybe for you, that is just a camera. For me, with that kind of history, with that lot of files that haven't been transfered to my laptop, and with that kind of benefit—the camera means more that just a camera. It is one of the things that i really love, one thing that i always bring anywhere.

It was already 2 am when i realize that i lost it. My body was limping, my tears start to fall & my mom start to yell. I thought the yelling part was the worse, but i was wrong. The worse part is after lecturing me in breakfast, she hug me and rub my hair. The worse feeling ever right? Making your parents disappointed. Like any other thing, she forces me to believe in God—in a degree that the word ikhlas define. "Bilang innalillahi dulu. Allah mungkin minjeminnya cuma sampai hari ini. Sholat kak, berdoa kalau masih milik pasti dibalikin. Kalau nggak berdoa supaya dikuatin." She's an amazing woman, i know. Last night, after yelling and discussing any possible way to find it, calling anyone and so on—she stop talking to me and start her midnight pray. Tahajjud, for me.

I feel worse about how my dad's handle this. He slept while was arguing with my mom last night. That's what i know. What i don't know is he also got up after i fall asleep, turning my room's light & start praying with my mom. He woke me up in 5 am with a straight face, telling me to do subuh pray. I decided not to go to Psyfest Roadshow in SMAN 28 and stay home to apologize. Good decision, cause Ayah actually is the most understanding man i've ever know. "Kakak nggak boleh nangis ya, nanti ayah juga nangis. Nggak, nggak boleh nyalahin diri sendiri. Berdoa sama Allah kalau emang masih punya ya ketemu, kalau nggak ya berdoa biar ayah ada rejeki beliin yang baru buat kamu." My tears fell like a waterfall even when i write this here. It's the worse feeling ever, to make your parents disappointed, like not taking care what they've given to you.

I called 3 times to the taxi company which i use last night. Leads me no where. I start to think that maybe i really lost it. Maybe you think that i'm exaggerating my own feelingbut i'm not. I'm beyond sad, and realized that at some point of our life, we need somebody who can make us believe that everything is going to be okay.

Well, i admit—i'm just like any other girl. Sometimes i'm not strong enough to stand alone. Despite that, my friends really show their effort to make me believe. I'm blessed to have them around. And at the end of the day, it's a lesson learned.

I learned that remembering the taxi's number is more than important. I learned that showing off leads me to downfall, in any aspect of my life. I learned that my parents are beyond great. I learned that my friends do care about me. I learned that Allah never allowed us to love something too much. Hopefully, i learn to be ikhlas—soon.

I hope you learn, too. Beyond thanks,

Clarissa Rizky