To live a purposive life

In this particular world called Young on Top, I learned that many people in my age have exactly the same dream with me—to have a better future. I guess everyone wanted a better future than the life that they currently living today, but these new people taught me that they already work it from today. I learned that it's free to dream big, to actually thinking about making billions rupiah by hitting 30. My own dreams were simple, to be graduated before 22—with cum laude as a predicate and continue my master degree here or in Australia to be an actual Child Psychologist. Then again, I also wanted to be a professional writer by then, between fictional stories or popular psychology. 

I thought it was simple. I thought my dreams are just to have an average life. You know, the idea of marriage & having a small house with two kids. I don't have the dream to run my own business, become a billionaire in the age 30, travel around the world nor being a CEO. So when somebody asked me what my dream is, I usually smile and said it was a small thing. Unlike theirs. Until that day, a friend of mine slapped me on the face after he said "So you think 'dream big' is always something related to money? About how much you earn? Dreaming to be a cum lauder is already big for me, since my GPA not even close to 3."  I smiled. Then he continues, "To be a better version of yourself is part of having a big dream I guess." 

From that small conversation, I have a new perspective to about living a purposive life. That maybe, because of my daily problem were from a financial problem, it's all about the money. About the position that you'll hold, the honour that you'll get after this suffering time. Mas Iwan Setiawan once said it's so clear why poor people want to be success—since it's so painful to be there. I might be some kind of feeling that, then that is why I determined to change my life—my family's life. I forgot the essential part of living a purposive life, to be better. A better version of yourself. To spend your time wisely, to open yourself to the world, to actually break the wall. Okay, i sounded like a philosopher. I'm not, trust me I'm a story teller. What I write is only about what I feel & what I've seen or heard. 

Here are my stories about the thing. From Coach Renee Suhardono, I learned that passion is not an act of becoming—it's a state of being. He mentioned the word passion lots that day. What I really remember about his words are—everyone might have different dreams about life, but we have one thing in common. Even with those who don't have dreams, we actually live to be happy. Whether you admit or not, anything that you particularly do in the mean time caused you a happy feeling in the end. Whether what you do is right or wrong, at the end of the day—everyone wants to be happy. Let say I want to be Psychologist to help others, to have a better life, to make my parents proud and yes, to be happy. My garbage man everyday work day by day to make money, maybe just for dinner with his family. Yes, to see his son's smile after eating fish and several not-so-healthy-menus. To be happy. My friend stuck with his ex-boyfriend, who cheated on her and already regret it—yet she doesn't want to let go. She wants to stick with him since she loves him, and with him—she feels happy.

So I guess everyone's purpose in life is to be happy. Aite?  

Well, I heard that the key to happiness is to be grateful. Then I live in this reality while it literally bites. Like when you feel so tired about being under pressure, like not getting what you want, like failed after giving your best. Then I found that to be grateful is not that easy as the way they said. 

Like what happened in this very afternoon. I have a light conversation with my mom, and i ended up crying. Not the out loud way, the silent but enough to make you hard to breathe. This mixed up feelings about every aspect of my life with the unstable hormone cause by my period successfully tearing me up. So there I sat, telling her about how's life been treating me. She always relates everything to her faith, while mine is still in the phase of up and down. The concept of Islam is always relieving, and make me feel warmer. To let yourself-feel free till the word Ikhlas define is beyond relieving. Not mentioning that I'm through it, no. I still learn to do that. Here's what I learned,

 "Sabr (patience) and Shukr (gratitude) go together. When you're not patient, you start complaining. And the fact that you're complaining is the sign that you're not grateful."

The suffering will always be the part of the process, but I know one day everything will be as great as I strive and prayed. And as cliche, as it sounds, what we have is the present. Here's how I try to live in balance. A reminder to the self—to be happy. Not only in the end, but during the process.